Author of ‘War With Myself” Shani-Lee Wallis speaks openly on the effects of bullying

My childhood was torn away by sexual abuse and high school bullying. When coping became self-destructive, I would often wonder if I’d come out the other side whole…

Trapped in a nightmare filled with hatred and pain, I kept my secrets deep within. I was stripped of anything that resembled my true self. Self-esteem, confidence, self-love… It was all dying, along with my will to go on.

The impact of the anticipation, and constant looking over my shoulder, the daily beatings, and verbal abuse that overflowed from school to my community, and living with abuse in the household, just became too much. There were foundational cracks building in the facade I’d worked so hard to create. And soon it would come crumbling down.

Hammered by the cycle of shame, anxiety, depression, and constant fear… I plummeted into an abyss of mental illness and self-abuse. Even when entering college and pursuing a career ended the physical harm, I couldn’t shake the psychological toll.

Feeling helpless, alone, and consumed with a sense of hopelessness, an eating disorder manifested to shield me from the inner turmoil I longed to escape. I binged away my feelings and purged away my shame.

Although the relief that my eating disorder behaviours brought was temporary, it was something I came to rely on, to deal with the unwanted emotions of everyday life.
The habit and reward cycle that I had created was like an addiction. If I was hurt, down or emotionally depleted, I would eat. I’d feel better for a moment, then instantly guilty, then purge. And because I would restrict myself to “be good”, my body would crave food. This triggered overwhelming thoughts of food, and then I’d binge. I’d feel better in the moment, then guilt would set in again, and you know what happens next…

I lost myself in a web of lies and deceit. I no longer recognized the person in the mirror. I thought I was in control, but Bulimia was in control of me.

After years of self-harm, hospitalizations, black outs, health complications and nearly losing my family as well as my life, I needed to make a decision… to dig myself out of the grave I had made for myself. I chose to live.

Through trial and error, I found that eating disorder recovery is a multifaceted process. It’s not enough to take any one step towards recovery.

I lost myself in a web of lies and deceit. I no longer recognized the person in the mirror.

I thought I was in control, but Bulimia was in control of me.

After years of self-harm, hospitalizations, black outs, health complications and nearly losing my family as well as my life, I needed to make a decision… to dig myself out of the grave I had made for myself. I chose to live.

Through trial and error, I found that eating disorder recovery is a multifaceted process. It’s not enough to take any one step towards recovery.

Being physically, emotionally, and psychologically strong helped me build a strong foundation and was the key to my long-term success.

I incorporated a daily routine that included self-development and wellness activities, recovery tools and relapse prevention techniques as well as working through my trauma.

If the purpose of your eating disorder is to protect you from emotions you don’t want to feel or deal with, what do you think will happen when you are faced with those same emotions later? Who or what will you turn to?

If you don’t work on what caused the eating disorder in the first place, you may be increasing your risk of relapse.

My battle with bulimia was torturous… Not just for me, but for my family.

Recovery was hard and caused emotional discomfort, but through this, came growth and a life worth living…