The heartbreak healer

How to heal a broken heart.

When we fall in love and are deliriously happy, not for one moment we think that this might not end well or when we are walking down the aisle, none of us thinks that one day we might end up on the wrong side of the 50% divorce statistic.

But according to research (you know there is research done for almost everything, right?), by the time you are 50, you will go through 5 main (heart wrenching) breakups. Of course, there are exceptions. Some people have none and some have more, but that’s average data.

So, why is it that even when divorces and breakups are so common there is so much stigma attached to it?

Look at the UK – here more than half the marriages end up in divorce and still the ones who are going through a breakup are made to feel like they are the odd ones out… the losers… the second-class citizens of the society because they couldn’t save their marriage/relationship!

Is it any wonder that a divorce or a breakup hurts so much?

There are a million little ways why two people grow apart, most are too mundane to even mention. Not every relationship breaks down because the other partner cheats, abuses, is an alcoholic, or a gambler… sometimes people realise that they just grew further and further apart!

But no matter how it happens… it hurts because our heart breaks!

It feels like the end of the world, life doesn’t feel like it’s worth living anymore, and the light (almost literally) goes out and all we can see is darkness around us.

But please remember no one (I mean I’ve never heard of anyone, have you?) dies of a heartbreak.

So, no matter how painful it is for you right now, don’t give up… not just yet! Your journey is at the intermission, not the end credits.

Contrary to popular belief, time does not heal all wounds. You do.

You do this by treating your broken heart with the same amount of TLC you offer your broken bone.

Do not rush into “feeling better” because society expects it, or you don’t want someone else to think that you are weak. Just because you don’t want your ex to find out how much this breakup has affected you, is not a good enough reason to not allow yourself time to heal.

If you have a broken leg, you don’t just put a plaster over it and say, “I’m ok”, do you? If you have a chest-infection, no one ever says to you “just deal with it!”.

Same rule applies to your broken heart… you can’t just get over it. You get over it by nurturing it with LOVE.

Your only aim right now is to learn to love yourself, even when the one you loved disappointed you completely and was unable to love you in the ways you need to be loved.

If you are wondering, how are you going to even begin healing your broken heart, try these 3 simple steps:

1. Don’t be scared of the pain… trust me, even if it feels like you are going to die, you won’t!

When you give yourself permission to feel the pain, the anxiety, the discomfort, to grieve, feel the gut-wrenching fear of being surrounded by the rubble of your broken dreams, and then cry, scream, swear, and finally accept that it is what it is, then and only then you can start putting things right.

2. Use your mind; don’t let it use you. Your mind is the most powerful tool you have and the thoughts you think become things.

Unfortunately, when your mind is stuck in a constant loop of “what the heck just happened, I can’t do this, I will never get over this pain”, this will become your reality.

The best way to heal your broken heart, is to stop letting your thoughts run wild and start focusing on what you want. Slowly and consciously, train your mind to imagine a better and happier future. Once your focus moves away from the darkness that is now and moves towards the better future you are imagining, your heart begins to heal and your mind starts showing you the steps you can take to make this dream a reality.

3. Grab a pen and paper. Find yourself an undisturbed 30 minutes and journal on the following question: “how has my ex disappointed me in ways similar to how I was disappointed in my childhood?”

Every wound runs deep inside us. This is not the first time your heart has been broken (romantically maybe but there is a deeper pain here). Once you find out how this pain is similar to the pain of something else that happened when you were little, you can begin to not only heal your broken heart but also the pain you had been carrying since you were a little child.

This little journaling session will help you find the root cause of your pain and with this you will not only heal your broken heart but will also fix the repeated pattern of “getting hurt”.